a dark place

This valley I'm walking through is full of ravines, and sometime around last Thursday I tumbled into one of them. It's a dark place of frustration, doubt, and hopelessness. It's where the distance between my child and my arms is a visceral ache that cannot be eased by anything but physical contact or a miracle of Jesus.

For a few days I tried to climb out of this pit. I know the ropes. It's not my first time down here, though I've never been this deep. But today I'm tired of fighting. Tired of waiting. Tired of disappointments, secrets, and questions.

Yesterday at Bible study we watched a video of a soldier returning from combat and surprising his six-year-old son at school. You can watch it here. When the clip ended, the entire room was in tears, and I was no exception. The only problem was, my tears wouldn't stop. I had to slip away into an empty room and try to regain control, but all I could think about was that little boy's face and the intense love and longing he had for his father...and how badly I want to see our child's innate love and longing for a daddy fulfilled in Tim. I imagine them standing at opposite ends of a room, arms open and eager, but unable to run to one another because... Well, I don't know why. That's part of the ravine experience.

Sorry...I don't have any eloquent words of hope to turn this one into an uplifting lesson in endurance. I'm just letting you all know where I am and why I've disappeared for a while. If you need me, I'll be down here until Jesus pulls me out.

One year ago today...

...I mailed our dossier to D.C.

And I had long hair.

Oh, the changes a year can bring.

Traveling Together

One of the greatest blessings of adoption thus far - and one I never anticipated - is the deep friendships I've forged with fellow travelers. I am continually awed and humbled by the strong faith and profound insight of the families we've gotten to know on this journey.

This past week Tim and I relished the much anticipated opportunity to finally be face-to-face with some of these new friends. Allie and Jeremy Brannon, along with their adorable sons Iain and Cory, made the long drive from Georgia to Pennsylvania to spend a few days with us!

Allie and I began corresponding last summer via email and quickly discovered that we share far more than a love for our Rwandan babies. Due to an uncanny commonality in hobbies, interests, talents, worldviews, and personalities, our friendship has become an invaluable source of encouragement, comfort, and fortitude through the longs months of waiting. I never knew I could form such a strong bond with someone I've never officially met!

After so many hours of online communication, being face-to-face with Allie was a wonderful treat! Between exploring the sights of Lancaster County, watching our kids bond over toy trains, and talking late into the night, our precious time together flew by all too quickly. Saying goodbye was tough, and the last few days of Brannon withdrawal have made me even more grateful for the memories we made during our visit.

One of the highlights of our time together was the Rwanda Mamas dinner. Oddly enough, in our little PA county there are several other families adopting from Rwanda, so we all met at a restaurant and traded adoption stories. It was inspiring to hear the diversity of paths that led each of us to this place, and a powerful reminder of God's multi-faceted methods for shepherding us in the right direction.

(From left: Me, Laurel Greer, Allie Brannon, Amy Shepherd, Sue Mitchell, Keri Altland, Vickie Hoover. And behind the camera, the lovely Heather Hohenwarter. Thanks, Heather!)

I could write for hours about all the fun, humorous, and poignant moments of the past week, but I'll let my pictures speak a few thousand words for me...

Feeding ducks at Lititz Springs Park:

Bonding over music:

Allie made these adorable shirts for all the kids to wear together. Notice the button over Rwanda!

On Saturday we rode the Strasburg steam engine and spent the day at Cherry Crest Adventure Farm:

Cutie pies in matching Africa shirts!

All of our kids are book lovers like their Mommies. Here, Jeremy does storytime for the whole clan.

Sweet end to the visit: Hershey's Chocolate world, followed by some play time at Cocoa Castle.

Now, time to start planning a trip to Georgia...

My Psalm 139

Last year my church's women's Bible study worked through Beth Moore's Stepping Up. Part of each lesson involved personalizing a psalm of ascent, which felt intimidating at first but turned out to be incredibly cathartic.

Today during prayer, while I was once again struggling to surrender the timing of our adoption to Him, God brought Psalm 139 to my mind. I found myself praying it, and then I had a strong desire to re-write it in my own words.

I've been learning that the lessons He's teaching me in regards to our adoption are often the same lessons He's teaching many of the people who read this blog - whether you're adopting or not. So I thought it might be helpful to share my version of Psalm 139. If you're not familiar with this psalm, PLEASE read the real version first. It's far better than mine. :) Enjoy!

My Psalm 139

O Lord, you have explored every hidden corner of my soul, and you know me intimately.

You know when I rest quietly and when I rise to take action.

You hear my secret ponderings long before I conceive them.

You know every step I take in waking, and every breath I breathe in sleep.

My habits, weaknesses, talents, and desires are more familiar to you than the scent of a baby’s skin to its mother.

Before my tongue tastes a single word, you know exactly what I will say, how I will say it, and how accurately my speech reflects my heart.

You walk before me and follow behind me, hemming me into Your fold with threads of love and grace.

You have kissed my life with the compassionate touch of Your sovereign hand.

Such knowledge is too beautiful for my simple mind to comprehend, too far above what I deserve and all I’m capable of hoping for…I cannot understand it.

Where can I go that Your Spirit is not there with me?

If I wanted to escape you, would it even be possible to run far enough away?

If I celebrate Your goodness, embrace Your perfect plan, and worship at the foot of Your throne, You are there.

If I relinquish my hold on hope and wrap myself in the choking blankets of despair, sadness, and doubt, You are there.

If my heart takes flight at break of day, and soars across the ocean to make its home in the rolling hills of a foreign land, even in my hopes and dreams Your steady hand will direct the winds that carry me; your grasp on me will remain strong and true.

If I say, “Surely these blinding fears and doubts are like a shroud, extinguishing the light of His presence and filling every crevice with unholy night,” even that deep pit will not be dark to you; The blackest tomb will shine with the light of a newly birthed sun, for night is as bright as day to You.

For you lovingly and intentionally molded the most delicate, intricate workings of my soul.

Your artist’s hands knit me together stitch by stitch in my mother’s womb.

I praise you because Your authorship of my life makes me a priceless, unique, eternal work of art.

Everything You create is an unrivaled and incomparable masterpiece. My inner being exuberantly affirms this truth.

The countless details that make me “me” were designed and assigned by You long before my miniature, embryonic heart took its first beat.

While my body and soul were joined through the miracle of life which You breathed into motion, Your eyes gazed upon me.

Before my earthly parents even knew of my existence, You carefully scripted every joy, trial, pain and blessing; every hope and dream and purpose; every endless day of waiting, trusting, and persevering - every beautiful moment of life - into the epic novel that is the love story of You and me.

O Lord, my soul cries out to know and understand your innumerable thoughts. I long to gather them up and sift them through my fingers like heaping handfuls of warm, salty sand. When I awake each morning, You are there with new mercies and endless compassion.

If only you would silence the voices that pull my gaze from you, O God! The evil one hisses whispers of deceit and slyly sows doubt as I wait on Your promises. How I despise his serpentine ways, and detest the part of myself that often nudges open the window to better hear what he has to say.

Explore me inside and out, O God, and make Your home in me; examine me and hear my fretful thoughts. Shine Your holy light on every tainted place in my soul and lead me by Your strong hand in the way everlasting.

Crossing the Valley

On October 31, 2009, I stepped into our local FedEx office and handed the clerk five and a half months of eagerness, determination, and hope wrapped up in a two-inch-thick folder. Six weeks later, when my computer screen confirmed that folder’s arrival in Kigali, Rwanda, I wanted to climb up on the roof and scream to the world that the McLennans were finally DTR.

That was a mountaintop moment. “Gotcha Day” will be another. But in between these mountains lies a deep valley known as Waiting, and you can’t move from one peak to another without passing that way.

Waiting is a place of diverse terrain, sometimes dark and despairing, other times beautiful and serene. From a distance the valley appears calm, even stagnant. But all who travel there will tell you that Waiting is a battleground, and the enemy’s name is Deceit.

Deceit whispers many lies in the ears of travelers, some of which are cleverly disguised to sound like wisdom, hope, or noble conviction. The key to a successful journey is recognizing those lies for what they are, and listening for Truth’s response.

Following is a partial transcript of this traveler’s ongoing battle with Deceit in the Valley of Waiting:

1. “Harmless Distraction,” a.k.a. Wasting Time

Deceit whispers: Waiting doesn’t have to be so hard. Distract yourself—watch more television, keep your calendar full, make lots of plans. Time will pass more quickly if you’re too busy to think.

Truth responds: “…suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope…” (Romans 5:3b-4). There is pain in Waiting, but also great reward. Instead of burying yourself in distraction, choose to be still. Allow hours of stillness to open your eyes to hidden stains of pride in your thought life, your fear of surrender, lack of faith, and desire for praise from others. Choose stillness, and you will be better able to discern the voice of Him who leads you.

2. “Conviction,” a.k.a. Self-Righteousness

Deceit whispers: Vacations, new cars, eating out…those people obviously aren’t losing sleep over the orphans of the world. The money for their daily trip to Starbucks could go a long way toward your adoption expenses…

Truth responds: “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?” (Matthew 7:3) Do you have food in your pantry? Have “leftovers” ever been a phenomenon in your home? Cease your complaints and comparisons, and beware of your misdirected pride in having less than some. Frugality is wise, but it doesn’t make you holy. Neither does adopting make you holy. Surrender your pride and echo the prayer of the repentant heart, “Lord, have mercy on me, a sinner.”

3. “Optimism,” a.k.a. Idealizing the Future

Deceit whispers: Waiting is the hardest part of adoption. Everything will be better when your baby is home.

Truth responds: “Do not boast about tomorrow, for you do not know what a day may bring forth” (Proverbs 27:1). You dream of holding your little one close, rocking him to sleep, soothing every cry and loving away every fear. Are you doing this with the children you already have? Are you cherishing your husband, family, and friends…or are you losing ground to selfishness and pride? Rather than dreaming of a brighter future, devote yourself to loving others better today.

4. “Staying Informed,” a.k.a. Looking for Hope in All the Wrong Places:

Deceit whispers: Spend more time reading blogs, scouring chat groups, listening for rumors. The more information you can find, the better you’ll feel.

Truth responds: “Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows” (James 1:17). Rumors are shifting shadows. Even the most sincere promises from trustworthy friends are shifting shadows. There is only one unchanging source of hope, and your adoption timeline rests in His hands alone.

5. “Realism,” a.k.a. Being a Victim

Deceit whispers: This wait is eternal, and there’s nothing you can do about it. You’re helpless, totally at the mercy of a foreign government.

Truth responds: “When my spirit grows faint within me, it is you who know my way” (Psalm 142:3). You are not waiting on Rwanda, you are waiting on God. He is good, He knows your heart, He loves your child, and He is faithful. Therefore, wait with hope, make room for stillness, and invest your energy in proactive ways—chronicle your journey, befriend other adoptive families, learn about your child’s birth country. Turn your eyes from yourself to others. Address the needs in front of you today, and leave tomorrow in God’s hands.

Remember, fellow travelers: Deceit’s end-game is confusion and discouragement. The enemy may not be able to prevent us from crossing the valley, but he can lead us down dangerous paths that bypass the many beauties of Waiting. Be vigilant, and remember that no matter what the enemy whispers in your ear, one thing is certain—Truth always has an answer. So as you walk, consume Truth, speak Truth, meditate upon Truth. Keep your eyes on the Word of Truth, for “your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path” (Psalm 119:105).

Until we meet on the mountaintop…

Crying at Payless

I took Annabell and Liam to Payless to find sneakers yesterday. Liam was easy, being a boy with zero preference for one style over another. Annabell was a bit more excited about the venture, and wanted to try on every pretty pair she could find, regardless of price or practicality.

Thanks to some bargaining and a handy coupon, we found what we needed for a great deal, but as we were getting ready to leave, I hesitated while walking past the infant/toddler section. Annabell stopped next to me, and somehow sensing my thoughts, grabbed the most adorable pair of baby girl's shoes.

"Mommy, can we get these for our baby?" she asked.

Believe it or not, I didn't immediately say no. After spending over thirty minutes trying the squeeze every possible nickel out of our purchase, I was standing there actually considering shelling out another $20 on a pair of shoes for a child we don't even have. A child who might very well turn out to be a boy.

Of course, my rational mind stepped in and sadly told her no, not yet. But I had to reign in my emotions before continuing to checkout. I doubt the sales clerk has seen many people brought to tears by the Payless inventory. And since she was already giving me a break on Liam's pair, I didn't want to abuse her good graces.

So I left the store holding two boxes of sneakers, two children's hands, and one more dream to add to the ever-growing list - shoes for my Rwandan baby.

Unfortunately for the poor sales clerk, I doubt I'll be able to buy them for real without blubbering at least a little bit.

a breadcrumb

We heard news today. Just a crumb. Something we were told we'd hear 3 months ago but never did. It isn't much, but it's something. I'm not sure if it's something I'm supposed to share, so I won't elaborate. But I will tell you that because of this news we now know that Rwanda has our dossier. It's been accounted for. We're on the list.

This might seem like a simple thing. But would you believe that after nearly 9 months of waiting we didn't even know for certain that our paperwork had reached its intended destination? Crazy things happen. Files get lost. Now we know that ours is not.

I wish the news was bigger. For now I'll be content with this.

The day is coming.