For a few days I tried to climb out of this pit. I know the ropes. It's not my first time down here, though I've never been this deep. But today I'm tired of fighting. Tired of waiting. Tired of disappointments, secrets, and questions.
Yesterday at Bible study we watched a video of a soldier returning from combat and surprising his six-year-old son at school. You can watch it here. When the clip ended, the entire room was in tears, and I was no exception. The only problem was, my tears wouldn't stop. I had to slip away into an empty room and try to regain control, but all I could think about was that little boy's face and the intense love and longing he had for his father...and how badly I want to see our child's innate love and longing for a daddy fulfilled in Tim. I imagine them standing at opposite ends of a room, arms open and eager, but unable to run to one another because... Well, I don't know why. That's part of the ravine experience.
Sorry...I don't have any eloquent words of hope to turn this one into an uplifting lesson in endurance. I'm just letting you all know where I am and why I've disappeared for a while. If you need me, I'll be down here until Jesus pulls me out.
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Dear Alison~Tears fill my eyes as I read your blog today. My heart aches for you and for your little one in Rwanda that God is holding in His arms for you today. Praying for you.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Debbie
Dear friend. I'm so sorry. I was there last week, as you know. A place of mourning, almost. Call me if you want to.
ReplyDeleteAlison, so sorry for your deep pain. I can completely understand the ache and hate that you are in this...but know you will be out by His grace. Aching for you and for the tens of thousands of orphans in the world today who carry the same ache.
ReplyDeleteO Alison, so sorry but I completely understand backing out of life for awhile. i would have thought for sure you would have been a family of five by now. I have such frustration with this process, everything in life seems to move fast except governments. Thinking of your family.
ReplyDeleteHi Alison, I just started following your blog a couple of weeks ago, but I wanted to say I completely understand. I am in the same place right now. How I've managed the nearly 2 year wait with nary a shred of doubt or depression up till now I don't know, but all of the sudden about 2 weeks ago I felt absolutely overwhelmed with it. Our lovely baby room we have been putting so much love into to make it ready or our little boy waiting for us in Rwanda has had it's door open and each time I walked by it would remind me to be patient, our time would come. I've had to close the door lately.
ReplyDeleteMy very best to you and your family during this time.
alison. i know. i know so well. this is hard, brutal, awful...
ReplyDeleteyet we KNOW it is also in His hands and His timing. {but i know that doesn't help sometimes...}
praying for you! and ALL of our children!
Know that you aren't in this valley alone!
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine the ache. Praying that He will lift you up and out of the darkness, that it might be a valley of vision.
ReplyDeleteMade me think of this song:
When You lead me to the valley of vision
I can see You in the heights
And though my humbling wouldn’t be my decision
It’s here Your glory shines so bright
So let me learn that the cross precedes the crown
To be low is to be high
That the valley’s where You make me more like Christ
Let me find Your grace in the valley
Let me find Your life in my death
Let me find Your joy in my sorrow
Your wealth in my need
That You’re near with every breath
In the valley
In the daytime there are stars in the heavens
But they only shine at night
And the deeper that I go into darkness
The more I see their radiant light
So let me learn that my losses are my gain
To be broken is to heal
That the valley’s where Your power is revealed
-B. Kauflin