My Psalm 139

Last year my church's women's Bible study worked through Beth Moore's Stepping Up. Part of each lesson involved personalizing a psalm of ascent, which felt intimidating at first but turned out to be incredibly cathartic.

Today during prayer, while I was once again struggling to surrender the timing of our adoption to Him, God brought Psalm 139 to my mind. I found myself praying it, and then I had a strong desire to re-write it in my own words.

I've been learning that the lessons He's teaching me in regards to our adoption are often the same lessons He's teaching many of the people who read this blog - whether you're adopting or not. So I thought it might be helpful to share my version of Psalm 139. If you're not familiar with this psalm, PLEASE read the real version first. It's far better than mine. :) Enjoy!

My Psalm 139

O Lord, you have explored every hidden corner of my soul, and you know me intimately.

You know when I rest quietly and when I rise to take action.

You hear my secret ponderings long before I conceive them.

You know every step I take in waking, and every breath I breathe in sleep.

My habits, weaknesses, talents, and desires are more familiar to you than the scent of a baby’s skin to its mother.

Before my tongue tastes a single word, you know exactly what I will say, how I will say it, and how accurately my speech reflects my heart.

You walk before me and follow behind me, hemming me into Your fold with threads of love and grace.

You have kissed my life with the compassionate touch of Your sovereign hand.

Such knowledge is too beautiful for my simple mind to comprehend, too far above what I deserve and all I’m capable of hoping for…I cannot understand it.

Where can I go that Your Spirit is not there with me?

If I wanted to escape you, would it even be possible to run far enough away?

If I celebrate Your goodness, embrace Your perfect plan, and worship at the foot of Your throne, You are there.

If I relinquish my hold on hope and wrap myself in the choking blankets of despair, sadness, and doubt, You are there.

If my heart takes flight at break of day, and soars across the ocean to make its home in the rolling hills of a foreign land, even in my hopes and dreams Your steady hand will direct the winds that carry me; your grasp on me will remain strong and true.

If I say, “Surely these blinding fears and doubts are like a shroud, extinguishing the light of His presence and filling every crevice with unholy night,” even that deep pit will not be dark to you; The blackest tomb will shine with the light of a newly birthed sun, for night is as bright as day to You.

For you lovingly and intentionally molded the most delicate, intricate workings of my soul.

Your artist’s hands knit me together stitch by stitch in my mother’s womb.

I praise you because Your authorship of my life makes me a priceless, unique, eternal work of art.

Everything You create is an unrivaled and incomparable masterpiece. My inner being exuberantly affirms this truth.

The countless details that make me “me” were designed and assigned by You long before my miniature, embryonic heart took its first beat.

While my body and soul were joined through the miracle of life which You breathed into motion, Your eyes gazed upon me.

Before my earthly parents even knew of my existence, You carefully scripted every joy, trial, pain and blessing; every hope and dream and purpose; every endless day of waiting, trusting, and persevering - every beautiful moment of life - into the epic novel that is the love story of You and me.

O Lord, my soul cries out to know and understand your innumerable thoughts. I long to gather them up and sift them through my fingers like heaping handfuls of warm, salty sand. When I awake each morning, You are there with new mercies and endless compassion.

If only you would silence the voices that pull my gaze from you, O God! The evil one hisses whispers of deceit and slyly sows doubt as I wait on Your promises. How I despise his serpentine ways, and detest the part of myself that often nudges open the window to better hear what he has to say.

Explore me inside and out, O God, and make Your home in me; examine me and hear my fretful thoughts. Shine Your holy light on every tainted place in my soul and lead me by Your strong hand in the way everlasting.