the only answers I have

Many of you have asked us if we've heard anything from Rwanda, how much longer we expect to wait, why this process is taking so much longer than anticipated, etc.

I'm sorry if my answers have been short and vague. The blunt truth is that it hurts to answer these questions. Right now the topic of adoption is a wound. My instinct is to wrap it tight to protect and hide it from further injury. I can't decide which is healthier, to keep it covered or give it air.

That said, in an attempt to provide some answers to your questions, here's the scenario we're facing:

We began our adoption on May 18, 2009. At the time Rwandan adoptions were being completed in approximately 9-12 months.

As of today (18+ months later), to the best of our knowledge, our dossier is 13th in line to be reviewed. Before you start thinking that sounds pretty good, let me say that if the pattern we've seen Rwanda establish in 2010 continues, being #13 means we're looking at an indefinite wait. We might...might...hear something in 2011, but only if adoptions speed up. We're told they will, but we've been hearing that since February, and they've only slowed down further.

There are many reasons for the delay in Rwanda, some of which I understand but most of which I don't. What I do understand is that I've watched one dear friend after another conceive a child, carry it to term, and experience the joy of arms filled with the precious weight of the little one they've longed for. With each of these beautiful births, my heart simultaneously rejoices and breaks.

As I mentioned in my last post, I'm in a dark corner of this waiting valley. It's tempting to question...no, not just tempting...I am questioning. I often feel like Jacob, wrestling with God through the dark night. I've had to face the disturbing fact that my baby is still missing because He has chosen it to be so. There is more to this picture than I can see.

This morning I got up early, before sunrise, and sat on the floor in front of our wood stove reading the final chapters of Job. The prayer I'm striving to make honest in my heart comes from Chapter 42:

Then Job replied to the Lord:

"I know that you can do all things;

no plan of yours can be thwarted.

You asked, 'Who is this that obscures my counsel without knowledge?'

Surely I spoke of things I did not understand,

things too wonderful for me to know.

You said, 'Listen now, and I will speak;

I will question you, and you shall answer me.'

My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you.

Therefore I despise myself and repent in dust and ashes."