It's the middle of July.
I've been hopscotching back and forth between trying to forget we're waiting for something (not one of my brighter ideas) and obsessing about it every hour of every day. There's a balance, I know, but I haven't found it.
Last week I was praying for our child. That's how I pray: for "our child." Lord, please protect our child... Let our child know the gentleness of a loving touch...
But then I slipped and started praying for "him." Father, make his little body strong to fight disease. Let him sense your love and power, even at his young age...
I had to stop. A couple of sentences for "him" and I was bawling. "I can't do it," I cried to God. "I can't let myself feel that. It's too much."
"Our child" was comfortable. But as soon as I said "him," something happened. Or...opened, I guess. I can't describe what it felt like. Love isn't a strong enough word, and there was so much more to it than that. All I know is it had to be divine, because there's no way a human heart could hold an emotion with such power behind it. When I say it was too much, I'm not being dramatic. I literally felt like it was crushing me.
I don't know if our child is a "him" or a "her." I've suspected a boy for some time, but I was wrong in both cases when I guessed the gender of my biological kids, so I don't put much stock in mother's intuition. I can't help but wonder, though...if "him" affected me like that, what would "her" do?
This journey looks nothing like I expected. Certainly not like pregnancy. Most everything I've had to wait for in life has come with a deadline or due date. This wait feels eternal, a concept which my head tells me is absolutely illogical, while my heart says is 100% dead-on accurate. Too much love and not enough progress.
Oh, for news. I was so hoping to see my baby in 2010.
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Oh, Man. Reading your post brought it all back. My stomach is in knots. Alison, I wish you were in Alaska. I would hop in my car and bring you some good cheesecake and coffee. I completely identify with your words, and probably with plenty of words you left out of the post as well. You are not alone. This is so going to end. I know what you mean about hopscotching between trying to forget and obsessing. Sometimes you have to block it out just to be a productive wife and mother to the ones here now. I love you, lady I have never met. I love your he or she. I am praying for you all.
ReplyDeleteWe're right there with you guys. All that you said is in our hearts as well. We can SO relate! One day, we'll all look back on all of this and stand amazed at just how perfect God's timing really is. For now, at least we have families like yours who understand EXACTLY how we feel! So...thank you for posting this!
ReplyDeleteJeremiah and Erin Smith
Alison, do I even need to say that I completely relate? Praying for you today as I pray for all of us and our babies - oh, how I hope they come home soon...
ReplyDeleteStill praying for you. So many of us are and will continue praying until the day you see a picture of your child. And then, we'll pray as you go and bring your child home. It WILL happen! God has a good and perfect plan and He is stronger than any government or red-tape or seemingly endless waiting. He is able!
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